Jokes that will make you laugh.... quotes from one of the brilianst people in the world of rethorics

Winston churchill....

Kinda can't start it a other way then this one..

Bessie Badrock: "Mister Churchill... You are disgustingly drunk."
Churchill: "That may well and be, but tomorrow i will be sober and you will still be ugly."



Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.



Young man (seeing Churchill leaving the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.



Lady Nancy Astor: If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!
Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it!



<LI>Shortly before George Bernard Shaw’s 1913 play Pygmalion received its first English performance at His Majesty’s Theatre in London
(on April 11, 1914), Shaw sent the following telegram to Winston Churchill :

• AM RESERVING TWO TICKETS FOR YOU FOR MY PREMIERE. COME AND BRING A FRIEND – IF YOU HAVE ONE.
  

</LI>
<LI>Churchill sent this telegram to Shaw in reply :

• IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PRESENT FOR THE FIRST PERFORMANCE. WILL ATTEND THE SECOND – IF THERE IS ONE.
  

</LI>

• Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
  

• The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.
  

On one occasion during an election campaign Churchill was speaking in a church hall in rural England. The hall was decorated in the well accepted colour scheme of that era – mission brown up to shoulder height, then cream up to and including the ceiling. When he finished his speech Churchill called for questions. The first came from a middle-aged woman dressed in country tweeds. "Mr Churchill, I am a member of the Temperance League," she said, "My local branch has been examining your use of alcohol. Are you aware Prime Minister that, during your lifetime to date you have consumed enough alcohol to fill this hall up to here" stretching her arm dramatically to indicate the mission brown zone on the wall. "We want to know what you intend to do about it?" Churchill looked at the woman, followed her arm to the top of the mission brown zone, and then slowly allowed his gaze to move up through the cream zone to the ceiling. "So little time, so much to do" he said.



You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.



This is Winston Churchill speaking. If you have a microphone in my room, it is a waste of time. I do not talk in my sleep.

• [When told his room was possibly bugged]
  

At a hostile congress with 100 of people who decided if the UK would get funds to aid in the war. Before hand everyone in the room talked to eachother with conversations "We won't give him any cash... We won't give him anythign at all... he will be at a wrong place here" Churchill walks in the room.... it all became silent...

And he says" I havn't come here to ask for monney" The people in the whole room were confused... all they had thought of was that he came here to get monney. And it went talking alot.."

Then churchill continued..."For myself".

The whole room began laughing but in the end he gained what he wanted to get. The funds feom a hostile congress.




Unknown MP, sitting behind Churchill on the back benches during his twilight years, to adjacent colleague, sotto voce: He's not what he used to be. They say he's gone senile.
Churchill, turning around to face them: And they say he has gone deaf as well!




And... some nice ways to get rid of people trying to force their believe on you.

My history teacher told us this what happened at his place

The jehova (that's how they are called in the netherlands) ring on his door.

"Good afternoon sir. We come to bring God to your home"
"Ah. That's perfect. Put him in the basement if you would be so kind"


And a other couple of Jehova's

"Good afternoon sir. We wanna tell you something about God"
"Well actually. I have a question. Were is God?"
"God is everywere"
"Oww. Everywere?"
"Everywere"
"Also in my basement?"
"Also in your basement sir."
"Also in my room?"
"Also in your room sir"
"Also at my balcony?"
"Also at your balcony sir"
"Hm... But i don't have a balcony?"


xD

Is that really churchill quotes ? :O

KA£A wrote:

Is that really churchill quotes ? :O

All except the last 2 yes